How to set a boundary you can actually keep, even when someone pushes back. A boundary is a limit you set around what you’re comfortable with, what you’re available for, and how y...

How to set a boundary you can actually keep, even when someone pushes back. A boundary is a limit you set around what you’re comfortable with, what you’re available for, and how you’ll respond when that limit is crossed. Sometimes, we think we’ve set a boundary because we’ve told another person what we want them to stop doing. But that is actually a request, not a boundary. A boundary needs to include what you will do if it is crossed, because your own response is really the part you can control. You can ask someone not to shout at you. Your boundary might be that if they do this, you’ll end the conversation and return to it when things are calmer. To make a boundary easier to keep, be specific about the behaviour you’re responding to and choose a response you will be able to follow through on. Try not to set a consequence that you don’t want or won’t be able to maintain. You’ll also need to expect some discomfort. The other person may feel disappointed, argue with your decision or try to make you feel guilty. Their reaction doesn’t automatically mean that your boundary is unreasonable. Repeat it calmly if you need to, without feeling that you have to produce a longer and more convincing explanation each time. Keeping a boundary may feel uncomfortable at first. With practice, you learn that your needs don’t require somebody else’s agreement to be valid.