Moved from next Monday to this Tuesday, found out the afternoon before, which stressed me out since I had a plan to get further into comfort with walking before the trip. Family didn’t listen to me and got on the wrong train when I told them multiple times not to (they did this three times before finally listening). I had to follow them into the wrong underground train so we didn’t get split up, and that completely threw me off track. I ended up having a huge anxiety attack ,which was unusual for me because normally I get full blown panic attacks instead, I imagine it was because I was in public. The underground noises freaked me out too. Music helped a little, but since I was already shaken, things escalated. As I’ve mentioned before, my family isn’t good with these things, which is why I get so extremely anxious when they plan anything. The whole family has to go for some reason, and they end up rebooking or moving dates about without a plan. It’s honestly horrible We finally got to where we were meant to be, but they squabbled about directions the whole time. I don’t think there was a moment where I wasn’t somewhat anxious from noise, huge crowds, being away from home, trains, and so many other triggers. Overall, the positives were that we went to a few cool landmarks and ate at multiple places for lunch and dinner (I only ate lunch because of anxiety and food but it was the food was actually pretty good thinking back on it). I always try not to use the word “survived,” but it genuinely feels like I did survive that day. It was so hard to resist going into old safety behaviours, but I stayed with it. I’m already overly aware of my body and fixate on normal functions, like breathing or my heartbeat, and it was tough not to spiral, but I still made it through I would do it again if we had a plan and once I’m better prepared. This really threw me off my plans, but at least I know the overnight trip dates can't be changed, it is unrefundable and can switch bookings, so I can be ready/prepare more for it. To me this is a huge win because it shows myself that even in a situation full of triggers, unpredictability, and no clear plan, I still went through with it. Wins don’t have to look “perfect” , they can be messy, anxious, and uncomfortable, but the fact that I stayed with it instead of escaping, is progress no matter how I felt I’m sorry for all the yapping, but it feels like a win that I got through that day at all. I hope you’ve all had a good day :)
