I am most adequate in the afternoons, so any tasks in the morning are pretty much impossible. Just the idea that I have to do something outside of my 4 walls in the morning is enough to paralyse me. Not that afternoons are perfect, but I seem to be better with my anxiety. Today I set myself the goal to go grocery shopping before my partners comes back for lunch. First because I wanted to challenge myself, and second, because the fridge was empty. I had told myself that I will go out by 10am. I managed to go out at 11.30am. Which I am telling myself is absolutely fine. It felt like I had to drag myself out, but I did it. I told myself that we are just going out on a walk. The moment I don't feel well, I can turn around and go back home. I had 2 shops on my list, so I started with the non-food related. /Anything food related is a big trigger for me and I try to avoid grocery shops, restaurants, events/places/meet-ups where there is food and eating expected/. I put on my meditation music, sucked on a menthol and I went in. My body wanted to rush through and run out, but I took small steps, literally. My vision blurred and it did get dark, but I stood in front of the toilet paper and forced myself to just look at each and every brand. I kept on repeating to myself that even if I have a panic attack or faint or throw up, it's fine. It's not the end of the world. But so far it has never happened, so there's also that. And I managed! I came out sweaty and shaky, but I got everything I needed. Next stop was the grocery store. The smells made me panicky and tense. There were quite a lot of people, but all of them elderly, trying to avoid the task during the afternoon heat. Again I took it step by step. I had a physical list, that I prepared beforehand, and it put me at ease that I didn't have to think if I am forgetting something. Self-check out, of course. I went grocery shopping! In the morning! I didn't pass out! I didn't come back home crying! I did sit down on the first bench I saw, however, for a while, to take a breath and release the tension.
