I managed to work 1.5 hours today, and a daily meeting of 15 min in morning with collegues. I explained them it's going not so well and they were really understanding and willing to help. I felt so .... releaved. They say take time for yourself, let's just do small development taks every 2 weeks, and tthe end goal is to be back on your feet in half a year to a year. it really took off some of the pressure. Also the beta blocker medication is working out and i still feel... not yet so overwhelmed like i feel like getting a panic attack. so thats a good sign that i'm doing something different than yesterday (i feel like sometimes i fall back in old habits where i push through, fear the symptoms, just wanna work regardless of symptoms (just... this ... last... task and then i can do an exercise to calm down - which obviously makes it way worse). So ... the conclusion is: -health first -job gives me time to work on myself as long as i am clear in communication what i can handle and if i attend meetings -if feelings / scary symptoms pop up again - dont see it as fall back and go in anxious mode that it should have be gone by now. It's oke. Progress means not that symptoms stay away, progress means that when it comes up: you dont fear it and you learn to let it be there and let this moment or day be sad, anxious or however you feel
